Trouble Now

OMG. Such BULLSHIT. The cops didn’t CALL my freaking parents, they CAME HERE. To my HOUSE. I can’t write it all now, because my dad is coming in here in about 15 minutes to talk to me. I guess if you stumble across this website today and you are completely confused, just read up on the last couple of posts to find out about how EVERYTHING SUCKS.

So this morning, I am choking down a bowl of Crunch Berries (it’s the only cereal I can tolerate lately, I don’t know why), and I’m thinking about the meeting my mom has set up with the EVIL MR. HANSON, scum of the earth, that I have to sit through later today so the four of us (me, mom, my dad, and The Scum) can talk about the “Allegation” I have made against Hanson and his punk ass move to lower my science grade because I refuse join his retarded swim team (shaved freaks, gross). Read about it here. Ugh. Why do people have to RUIN what I like by making it into a thing? A CHORE? I love swimming, so what, now we have to turn it into a goddamned competition?! Fucking people. I hate it all. What a stupid, retarded, dumb-ass, hateful, pissy, shitty, crappy world. I refuse to take part in it.

Sorry about the side track. I’m eating Crunch Berries. Doorbell rings. Everyone’s wandering around for like ten seconds with the obligatory, “who can it be at this hour?” nonsense. But my gut just dropped into my Ponies, cause I know what it’s about. I think, though, that it must be Camile’s lunatic father coming to accuse me, and THAT I can handle. I’d just look the guy right in his gorilla eyes and tell him he’s off his rocker. A liar. Stop coming here and causing trouble! And so forth. I brace for it, pushing my bowl aside, but instead of hearing angry ape cries from the doorway, I hear this low, mumbly voice I don’t recognize, and then my dad saying, “Officer, that sounds like hogwash.” And then, of course, “PENDEL!”

Officer?!? Oh no no no.

I pulled it together and I sauntered out, as cool as I can, cause I gotta play it like I KNOW NOTHING. First impressions are everything, right? The cops are already looking at me like I’m guilty (which is all so funny because I am, but FUCK IT), and my parents are watching me with complete panic, like this is it, the moment they’ve been dreading for like the last year or so, since I really started being a local downer, and we all sit around the living room, and the cops are like, “Son, do you know why we’re here?” and I play it ICE COLD. I must say, even I was impressed with me, and I am not easily impressed. I say, hell yes, I know why their here, and I told that lousy turncoat Camile yesterday when she came over to make BASELESS accusations that it wasn’t me, and her screwed-up simian father can kiss off forever, and how he knows I’m not the smartest kid on the block so he thinks he can pick on me, and how he and his low-end wife don’t like me playing with their precious little daughter, so here they see a chance to get me out of the picture for good. Man, I was on fire. I was BELIEVING it.

I had a hard moment when the cops told me they have several eye witnesses claiming they all saw a kid that matched my description, but suddenly INSPIRATION flooded my head and I said, yeah, and what time of night was that?

It was strange, though. The cops got really neutral about it all. The gleam in their eyes, the thing that made them seem like they were laughing at me, it went away, and they just closed up their little notebooks and said “We’ll be in touch.” And out they went, leaving me with my parents, who didn’t know what to think.

I think my mom is just sad. She doesn’t know what to make of it, but she’s trying hard to hate Camile’s parents for thinking so poorly of me. But I know she knows better. I am the bad seed. Matty is the pride of the past. Clare is the new hope for tomorrow. Pendel is the sad failure of today.

And dad, I know he’s not ready to buy anything yet. He’s not so sympathetic to my plight. He played baseball in high school, he debated, he had a job at night, he helped my widow grandma; he was a stand-up kid. I am a metal-loving loser.

He’s coming now. Gotta go.

11 thoughts on “Trouble Now”

  1. Pendel:

    Swimming competitively can be great fun. Had it not been for competitive swimming I would never have had my shampoo bottle urinated in or had someone jerk off in my Spedo then put it back in my locker or been made fun of for shaving my arm pits when in fact I just didn’t have any arm pit hair yet because I was 14 and hadn’t really gone through puberty. Doesn’t that sound fun?

  2. You should consider therapy to help you through this adolescent identity crisis. Seriously. It could help you out a lot. You are actually a very talented writer, so maybe you should do something with that?

  3. i see that you commented on stuffwhitepeoplelike why don’t you tell us, your loyal life followers, wtf your father did to you instead of commenting on another blog…

  4. J-Moke, that is hilarious. You are a card. Look, all in good time. My shrink tells me it’s good to try and use “narrative thinking” so I can make better sense of my life.

  5. You dumbshit. I don’t give a rats ass if you’re going to get up to teenage angst and stupidity — but do you have to be so damn STUPID about it? The internet is not exactly private. If any of these people you’re blogging about wanted proof and thought about it for maybe 5 minutes, they could google you and find this; your written confession.

  6. Huh. I have to admit, you’re not the first person to mention this to me. I never claimed to be smart, for sure. I just can’t be bothered to fucking care. Fuck it. Community service. Serve it up.

  7. Stay the way you are, Pendal, don’t listen to all these “know it alls” trying to keep you down. Your antics entertain the hell out of me.

  8. Sounds like you found a bunch of trouble. But, to the reader, its very interesting trouble. The kind that’s sort of, I don’t know, alluring, inviting. Makes you wonder what comes next, what’s gonna happen, why in the hell did he do that, so on and so forth. Not trying to turn you into just a character or anything, because that’s not true. Just, trying to “share”, I guess. Anyway, awesome stuff. Just, maybe a bit overboard. But very entertaining, as has been said.

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